Friday, October 06, 2006

Stepping Stones #5, About Love - Insecurity

By Greg Gourdian
Web Blog:

We may sometimes feel sick with longing when our loved one is not beside us, but often our insecurity regarding ourselves and our relationships will make us feel ill as well.

Insecurity is insidious and destructive and we must learn to overcome it to have healthy relationships. It may not seem easy, but over time it is possible to resolve your feelings of insecurity and develop a happier, healthier relationship with everyone you love.

Some dear friends and I have recently begun a circle of love on the internet. Geographical distances and changing work schedules make it hard for all of us all to get together as often as we like. And while our growing psychic abilities enable us to directly feel one another over vast distances as if we were in the same room or shared the same body, this can be a spotty perception which leaves us feeling empty and anxious when we lose touch with someone in our circle whom we love. As a consequence of this we are dealing with a lot of anxiety issues due to insecurity. We want our feedback from one another to keep the blessings of our love for one another alive in the present moment where we can know each other’s love right now.

Letting go can help, but it does not address our deeper insecurities which may be predicated upon the idea that all we have shared is an elaborate fantasy and that the dream will end, or that we will fail to remain worthy of the love and attention of all of our sweethearts, or perhaps our psychic gifts are inadequate to participate well and we will be unable to keep up with those who appear more gifted than ourselves.

While perhaps for most people, insecurity in love based on psychic abilities may be rare, the issues of worthiness and the fear of the possible unreality of our love are actually very commonplace problems that can drive sweet loving relationships to ruin.

If you have not read my article ‘Testing Love’ 1 please do. ‘Testing Love’ is about one of the most serious ways that insecurity may destroy a deeply valued and loving relationship. But there are other ways our insecurity hurts us and we should explore these pains and see what may be done to help them.

It is important to remember that we create reality.

Our thoughts, our will and our emotions all play roles in how we personally cause our daily experiences to manifest in our lives. Of these three, our will is typically the weakest factor, and our emotions are always the strongest factor in determining what experiences we will choose to have. The more passionately we bring our emotions to bear, the greater likelihood we will have of manifesting whatever we desire.

So what happens if we are filled with anxiety about someone near and dear to our hearts? We may lose them! Our anxiety is a powerful blend of thought and emotion and it can cause the things we most fear to be made real. So when we are insecure in our relationships, we risk destroying those relationships with our anxiety.

Metaphysics aside, our anxieties can play strong roles in destroying our relationships with the people we love most with psychological pressures as well. We can push all of our loved ones buttons to keep them engaged with us as much as possible and simply exhaust them with the dramas we create to keep them constantly involved in our life. We might manipulate them to show their love for us at every opportunity so that we may feel comforted in the security of their love.

However, these dramas do more harm than good. The more we push for affirmations of the love of our lovers, friends or family, the less secure we become because we are not addressing our insecurity at the root level where it lives within ourselves.

Insecurity is about how we feel about ourselves. The better we feel about ourselves the stronger and more confident we are. The worse we feel about ourselves the weaker and less confident we become. To begin building your sense of security and well-being within yourself, start by changing the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what your life is like. Any stories that make you feel bad about yourself need to be changed.

Sometimes the bad stories we tell ourselves about ourselves simply aren’t true because we have grown out of the problems that those stories are about but have neglected to stop repeating the stories. So stop the repetitions of those stories now.

Sometimes those stories were never true; they are falsehoods you allowed yourself to believe because other people told them to you. No one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself for something that isn’t true, so stop the repetitions of those stories now also.

Sometimes we still believe our bad stories about ourselves and we may actually be telling ourselves bad stories about ourselves that appear to be true. If this is the case then we need to change our behavior to reflect what we believe will make us a better person, and then we can stop the repetitions of those bad stories as well.

If you have ever caused anything you believe is bad to happen in your life, please understand that you have always been living your life to the best of your knowledge, understanding and abilities. Now forgive yourself for any pain your words or actions may have brought upon yourself or anyone else. Forgiving yourself is essential to recovering your self confidence. By forgiving yourself you acknowledge that you can grow and are able to become a better person, and that you do not need to torment yourself over any indiscretions in your past any longer.

Until you have completely forgiven yourself for all of your past and present actions you will be non-consciously motivated to punish yourself and you will know on some deep level that all of your efforts are doomed by your own tendencies to sabotage yourself, consequently it is very important to forgive yourself. No one else can forgive you if you have not forgiven yourself first, and once you have forgiven yourself you no longer need forgiveness from anyone else. Once you have forgiven yourself you begin feeling more confident in your abilities to grow and learn from your mistakes and you become less fearful of making any future mistakes because you now know how to move through the lessons of your mistakes and transform them into growth experiences. Once you have forgiven yourself you can stop the repetitions of these bad stories about yourself.

By purging yourself of any habitual negative thoughts about yourself you free yourself to create new positive stories about yourself, stories that reinforce your good qualities and make you feel happy to be who you are. In this way you overcome any insecurity about yourself and your self confidence grows; you then become better able to manage your relationships with the people in your life whom you love most.

When you feel secure and comfortable being who you are then something else changes as well, your perceptions of the world around you become more positive. Lacking confidence in yourself causes you to see things in a negative light so that where someone else may see opportunity you see no hope. Where a person is regarding you with love you may often feel unloved. In this manner your insecurities about yourself do immeasurable harm to you because you deny yourself opportunity and love. With the transformation in your world view that results from greater confidence in yourself you see the opportunities unfold before you and realize the love extended to you and can feel joy and happiness with your life in abundance.

Author Greg Gourdian has worked with the general public as a psychic reader for a little over four years from 1981 to 1986. Much of his written work is channeled, although he will admit that he has no idea who many of the sources for his channeled work may be. He has many strange tales to tell regarding his spiritual journey and he attempts to tell his tales in a humorous or entertaining manner. While not an accredited teacher, Greg has taught classes in psychology, sociology, metaphysics and parapsychology.

Do you have a question for this column? Please write to By Greg Gourdian.
Visit Greg's blog at